Family Matters - May 2012

An open letter to mothers

By Molly B. Koch
Dear Mothers,
Isn’t it a feast for the eyes (and heart) when we read the words of appreciation we find in the cards our children give us on Mother’s Day? Ah, but do we ever take a moment to appreciate ourselves? Do we ever say, “I am the most important person in my child’s life?” Well, let’s take a look at why we should.
How would our little daughters learn how to be wives and mothers if not by observing their own mothers? How would they grasp the essence of being a woman if they did not see how we handle our womanhood? How would they learn how to accept themselves as they are unless they see us accept ourselves? How would they learn to respect themselves unless we have respect for ourselves and for them?
We set the standard for their personal relationships. When they witness our healthy and satisfying relationships with our partners, they will want the same positive qualities in their own relationships. However, if our relationships with them are fraught with unresolved conflict, they may reject our standards and wind up making poor choices.
Adolescence often strains the mother-daughter relationship to its limits as teens struggle for independence, appearing to reject everything about us. If there has been a strong mother-daughter bond throughout childhood, they will not stray too far.           
We play an equally important role in the development of our sons. As they identify with their fathers, they get a clear picture of their role of son, brother, grandson, husband, and father. But as they observe how we relate to their fathers, they learn how to relate to the people they love. They learn how to relate to women by the way we teach them to relate to us. We have a profound and lasting effect on our sons and daughters. We are the key to their developing wholesome, fulfilling, satisfying relationships throughout their lives.
So how do we establish a close and lasting bond with our children, male and female, that will lead to their choosing to adopt our best qualities and adhering to our most cherished values? This is not to say we want our children to be carbon copies of ourselves. While we hope they will keep what is worth keeping, we also want them to be true to themselves. (I love the story of the little girl who asked her mom, “If I have to be just like you, who will be like me?”)
What will bring them back to us when their teenage rebellion no longer serves their need to individuate? I believe respect is the key to lasting relationships. From the first moment of their lives, children need to be respected as individuals who come to us with a bundle of unique gifts, talents, traits, sensitivities, strengths, and limitations. Respect begins when we take the time to discover who they are and what they need. (Dr. Maria Montessori said, “I studied my children and they taught me how to teach them.”) By studying our children we discover their needs and learn exactly how to parent them.
One of the dictionary definitions of respect is “to refrain from interfering with.” Perfect! We may have to interfere with some of the things our children do to socialize them, but in the context of this definition, we may not do anything that will interfere with who they are. Respect means we accept each child as he and she is, (not insisting they be what we want or need them to be) know them for who they are, (not insisting they be what we want or need them to be), meet them where they are (not insisting they be where we want them or need them to be), and cherish what they are (sacred souls.)
So, mothers, here’s a toast to us! Let us appreciate our significance in the lives of our sons and daughters, in the present and in the future. Let us demonstrate each day that they are equally important to us. Let’s tell them that we know what we mean to them. And do tell them it’s quite all right for them to appreciate themselves. BC

Baltimore parent-educator Molly Brown Koch works with families through her Keep the Connection Workshops. She also is the author of 27 Secrets to Raising Amazing Children, published locally by Sidran Institute Press.
If you wish to contact Molly Brown Koch, email her at mollybkoch@gmail.com.

© Baltimore’s Child Inc. May 2012